Something happened this week that I was totally not expecting. Not only was I not expecting it, I expected the complete opposite of what actually happened. It was really difficult. I was caught off guard and was really shaken by it. My first reaction was "What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What s there to live for now?" Then I actually listened to myself and realized how much stock and I put into the situation. I was totally living for this thing and not for God. That's why when it fell apart I felt like my life was over.
In my head I knew that God was in control and that this was part of his plan that is good and perfect. I knew all these things. I knew the promises I had in Christ. What I didn't have was the feelings that go along with this head knowledge. But that was okay. SOmetimes God doesn't give us heart knowledge, just head knowledge. So without "feeling" it, I had to just act upon what I "knew."
Several good things came out of the situation.
1. I realized my idolatry and how easily my heart is captivated by things other than God.
2. I realized how disconnected from reality I was and how much I acted upon what my imaginations and fantasies were rather than what the truth was. I do this a lot.
3. I realized how prideful I have been in this area, and how much humility I need to express in this area.
4. I realized how insecure, self-conscious, FEARFUL I am. More on this later.
5.I realized how closed I am to other people about my emotions and what I am thinking about and feeling. I need to be honest, open, and genuine and willing to take risks. I need vulnerability that is only possible with COMPLETE confidence in the Lord.
6. I opened myself up to a few good friends and feel like we have a better, stronger friendship.
7. Opening up to people about this situation relieved me and made it easier to deal with.
8. I have been praying so much more and really trusting in the Lord. I feel closer to Him now than I have in a long time. This is what Paul means when he said "when I am weak, I am strong."
9. Because I have dealt with this situation well and brought it before the Lord he has blessed me with making the situation a whole lot easier than it could have been.
10. I am now beginning to feel okay about the situation and have a small amount of peace about moving on.
I'm sure I'll keep finding good things about this.
Sometimes I feel like God has screwed me over. Again, this is what I am "feeling," not what I know to be true. But feelings do count for something and should be dealt with not shoved under the rug and denied. I have told God this, to His face. He wants me to be honest with Him. I don't know why this happened or why it happened in the way it did, especially in the timing that it did. I probably never will. But God hasn't fed me to the dogs yet so I can only trust that He is good even when I don't feel it or when I don't understand it. There could have been other times and other ways that it happened, but it didn't happen those ways. There is a reason for this. It is good. I don't know the reason.
There are a few good things about the timing. The shock value made it easy to accept as truth and easy to begin to immediately change how I felt and thought. If I hadn't found out as soon as I did I might still be mislead.
I still hurt inside. It is still hard and will be hard. This situation is one that I will have to deal with a lot in the next month so I am just going to have to push on and rely on God's strength. I really have no idea where to go from here or what to do or what to feel or how to think or how to act. All I know is that God give you just enough light for your next step. That's all he guarentees. Sometimes he graciously provides light for the next few steps. This time he hasn't so I just have to take a step forward in the only light I have and wait for new light.
Some Bible verses that God has spoken to me through:
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God gave us a spirit not of FEAR but of power and love and self-discipline."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Psalm 75:3 "When the earth totters, and all its inhabitants, it is I who keep steady its pillars."
Lamentations 3:22-26 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Proverbs 31
About Fear and Boldness
I have realized a lot of how I act and what I do and don't do is controlled by my fear. My pastor said that what you fear the most is what controls you. This is so true for me. I am so insecure and afraid of what others think of me that I fail to live in boldness. My number one goal now is to not be intimidated, but to live in the confidence I have in God and to be bold and strong in him.
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